The more I play a spectator in my life's bleachers, the more time I allow for things to come into perspective and play themselves out as they naturally should. I've spent a lot of my time in silence these past few years - allowing people, circumstances, events, and opportunities, alike, pass me by whilst never phased for their lack of or enriched importance.
I've vacationed so long in nonchalance, that even, now, my apathy feels like the world's weight on my shoulders. It's a plagueing grogginess, like waking up from a coma, where, both, my body and mind are screaming, "Enough! It's time to feel. It's time to wake up. It's time to regain control and direction of your life." It's, now, trying to find my life's direction that bears the greatest weight, though; I used to be clear regarding what the end goal was and, now, I'm clueless.
I don't know a thing - not my limits, wants, or tolerance threshold. I don't understand people, the harm they do to others and inflict on themselves, nor why I care as much as I do when I understand they'll do only what they want and think is best for themselves without regarding others. I don't understand myself and the fact I struggle to muster the energy to claw my way out of the professional rut I'm rotting away in. The one thing I do know is that my apathy project was successful - so successful, in fact, that trying to feel anything more than nothing and/or anger is a chore nowadays.
I'm tired of keeping it together and being an anchor. I'm tried of acting and feeling older than I am; sometimes I just yearn for the lack of self-control and no post-experience remorse that so many people my age are blessed with. Continuously trying to do the right thing is like a wound left open and exposed to the germs in your environment - you get taken advantage of and for granted by the parasites of infection; in this case the undeserving.
I can't. I don't understand how some can squander the most important rights and opportunities for things subpar to the mere word. I don't understand the logic behind the illogic and, maybe I'm not meant to.
Everyday I ask myself for strength, patience, the ability to be just, and to forgive in order to free myself from the hate and disgust living in my heart. In my quiestest of moments I send blessings to those hurting and, especially, those who cause the hurt for they are the one's who require the most help; they're the one's on the lengthiest road of recovery because they don't know anything beyond the awful they are. They have the self-perception of martyrs, dying for the greater good of themselves and living for just the same; they only serve to perpetuate feeding the "awful" seed.
Forgive me but, lately, I only see that flaw / fault - that self-serving, selfish trait and thinking for (1). What disregard. What display of no personal growth what-so-ever. What pity I feel for the blind who cannot see what they are when they look in the mirror. I guess, to that degree, I am the lucky one.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Turning A New Leaf
With the start of a the new year came the start of a new life and, frankly, I'm late doing what I like to do at the start of anything - reflect, determine what I want, and set goals to give me some direction on how to get there.
My life over the past few years took quite a few turns - some down, some up - but through and through I think I've done a good job of taking with me the lessons I needed from each of my experiences. The most poignant learning: I need to get a grip of myself, re-gain control over my instabilities and fluctuating emotions, and remove myself, almost entirely, from any situation that causes duress. It's needed. It's necessary, but only so I can approach it from a non-weighted, non-biased, and rational point of view.
I never thought I'd be someone who struggles with change, but with everything changing, it's gotten harder to keep it together. Years ago I started living my life from a center of positivity, but somewhere down the line me following through fell through and, so, here I am, struggling again to find self-purpose, worth, reason, and meaning.
The irony lies in being someone who has everything to be, both, grateful and thankful for and, lately, although I know these things, I can't FEEL any of them. When did I go numb? When did I start wishing again for something radical to happen to snap me out of my brain's monotony? It already happened once and nothing changed. The only thing I did learn, though, was that if I wanted change, it would need to come from within me first; that catharsis and evolution would have to start with me.
It is easy to fall into the drain of sorrow but happiness and self-love are (2) of the most important factors worth fighting for. It's keen in noting that negativity more easily attracts negativity than positivity, but it's up to me to find that ray of positivity every time the negative begins to loom over. Positivity is in my control.
I suffer from a syndrome of emotional excess; I either give everything or nothing at all. I'm ruled by the pendulum of my emotions; I'm left, then right, with the swiftness of a swing in either direction. I lack a gauge that helps me determine the severity or levity of any given situation where my emotions are involved. So, you can understand my surprise towards my own apathy lately; I don't seem to care about much at all and it ties back to my life's lack of self-direction. Years later and I STILL don't know what I want to be or do when I grow up.
I learned a bit ago that my personality type falls within a very small 1-2% and, not to toot my own horn but, if I'm grouped into a behavioral niche, how much of my quirks am I responsible for when it comes down to the simple genius of genetics? If I'm absorbing, observing, and processing information, not only at a different rate but differently, period, then should I, really, be held accountable for my anomalies? Am I supposed to conform to the 98%'s mediocre standards of normalcy or embrace my gifted nuances limited to only a handful? I've always known of myself to be different, but it's figuring out what that "different" wants to do that's exacerbating.
I've come to terms, recently, that I need different in my life. I need to feel fulfilled by what I do and pursue a field where I can make some sort of positive difference since my latest pursuit is that of positivity. The silver lining is that, in the grand scheme of things, I'm only just beginning; I'm only just starting out. Now is my time to grab the bull by the horns, smack its arss, and tell it to ride into the sunset - wherever said-sunset may be. And, while I figure that out, my goal is to try and center myself so that I am at the center of the compass spinning out of control trying to find some direction in this life of mine.
My new beginning starts with me.
My life over the past few years took quite a few turns - some down, some up - but through and through I think I've done a good job of taking with me the lessons I needed from each of my experiences. The most poignant learning: I need to get a grip of myself, re-gain control over my instabilities and fluctuating emotions, and remove myself, almost entirely, from any situation that causes duress. It's needed. It's necessary, but only so I can approach it from a non-weighted, non-biased, and rational point of view.
I never thought I'd be someone who struggles with change, but with everything changing, it's gotten harder to keep it together. Years ago I started living my life from a center of positivity, but somewhere down the line me following through fell through and, so, here I am, struggling again to find self-purpose, worth, reason, and meaning.
The irony lies in being someone who has everything to be, both, grateful and thankful for and, lately, although I know these things, I can't FEEL any of them. When did I go numb? When did I start wishing again for something radical to happen to snap me out of my brain's monotony? It already happened once and nothing changed. The only thing I did learn, though, was that if I wanted change, it would need to come from within me first; that catharsis and evolution would have to start with me.
It is easy to fall into the drain of sorrow but happiness and self-love are (2) of the most important factors worth fighting for. It's keen in noting that negativity more easily attracts negativity than positivity, but it's up to me to find that ray of positivity every time the negative begins to loom over. Positivity is in my control.
I suffer from a syndrome of emotional excess; I either give everything or nothing at all. I'm ruled by the pendulum of my emotions; I'm left, then right, with the swiftness of a swing in either direction. I lack a gauge that helps me determine the severity or levity of any given situation where my emotions are involved. So, you can understand my surprise towards my own apathy lately; I don't seem to care about much at all and it ties back to my life's lack of self-direction. Years later and I STILL don't know what I want to be or do when I grow up.
I learned a bit ago that my personality type falls within a very small 1-2% and, not to toot my own horn but, if I'm grouped into a behavioral niche, how much of my quirks am I responsible for when it comes down to the simple genius of genetics? If I'm absorbing, observing, and processing information, not only at a different rate but differently, period, then should I, really, be held accountable for my anomalies? Am I supposed to conform to the 98%'s mediocre standards of normalcy or embrace my gifted nuances limited to only a handful? I've always known of myself to be different, but it's figuring out what that "different" wants to do that's exacerbating.
I've come to terms, recently, that I need different in my life. I need to feel fulfilled by what I do and pursue a field where I can make some sort of positive difference since my latest pursuit is that of positivity. The silver lining is that, in the grand scheme of things, I'm only just beginning; I'm only just starting out. Now is my time to grab the bull by the horns, smack its arss, and tell it to ride into the sunset - wherever said-sunset may be. And, while I figure that out, my goal is to try and center myself so that I am at the center of the compass spinning out of control trying to find some direction in this life of mine.
My new beginning starts with me.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Almost Changes Nothing
Time and experience has not made me a better person… Hell, I have trouble believing, sometimes, that there’s much good left in me… Although some may beg to differ.
It was a combination of two succubus’s that drained what little hope and strength I had left –one a love and, the other, a sick employer. I’ve never been one affected by stress and, lately, any noise or yelling or screaming or simple, disapproving tones turn me inside out. Dramatic, yes, but it seems I’m allowing myself to suffer from some mild type of social disorder and it’s driving me crazy.
I’ve never considered myself someone easy to ignore or, worst, overlook, but I can’t manage to command the attention I deserve anymore. On most days I wish I could revert to the stronger person I was before; the person I was before I was broken; the person I was before someone else mattered more to me than me.
So many things happened this past year to harden my soul: thoughtless mistakes, feeling abandoned, taken advantage of, robbed (of my innocence, naivety, etc.), etc. They say those most often and most willing to over-extend themselves hurt the most; not because they don’t want to help, but because those you do fail to see that maybe, by helping, you can in the process help yourself, too.
This year I almost died, I almost fell in love again, I almost lived freely, I almost felt like I could help and change someone for the better –I, alone -but I’ve learned that almost changes nothing… Because after a few months of almost dying, my life didn’t seem as important as the day after I almost did. The true secret: it never felt important, even the day after; everything was still the same, only altered temporarily.
People move on. Not just lovers and great loves but friends and family, too... And by no means is it punishable, as everyone deserves to pursue their individual paths to happiness, but, for every person I help, a piece of my happiness goes with them.
For every one of my life’s milestones I’ve felt the most alone, even standing on a street corner with pieces of iron, plastic, and broken glass. I, not once, felt comforted or forgiven for shattering the image(s) of a “perfect” little girl. On the other hand, I felt shame (even though the fault wasn’t mine), guilty, alone, emotionally abandoned, and betrayed. I couldn’t cry. I never fully cried. I only learned to sweep these traumas under the rug to avoid dealing with them. If they weren’t acknowledged, then they never existed… which can, in many ways, explain why it’s so hard for me to remember anything these days.
Almost changes nothing. It didn’t change me for the better… and if it didn’t change me, you can understand how petty it was for me to think it’d change anyone else. I always believed that the person you are today is the best version of you because you’re supposed to be filled with more wisdom and knowledge, but getting to know who I am now, makes me all the more unsure of this notion. Sometimes I think we’re only remnants of the good, simple people we used to be.
This smile I wear reminds me of the devil, only I, unlike her, choose not to terrorize the innocents; I only fool them into believing I’m fine. I only choose to understand that almost changes nothing.
***To this day, I've never understood why I was spared… And until I do, in the back of my mind I’ll always think that maybe, just maybe, God got it wrong.
It was a combination of two succubus’s that drained what little hope and strength I had left –one a love and, the other, a sick employer. I’ve never been one affected by stress and, lately, any noise or yelling or screaming or simple, disapproving tones turn me inside out. Dramatic, yes, but it seems I’m allowing myself to suffer from some mild type of social disorder and it’s driving me crazy.
I’ve never considered myself someone easy to ignore or, worst, overlook, but I can’t manage to command the attention I deserve anymore. On most days I wish I could revert to the stronger person I was before; the person I was before I was broken; the person I was before someone else mattered more to me than me.
So many things happened this past year to harden my soul: thoughtless mistakes, feeling abandoned, taken advantage of, robbed (of my innocence, naivety, etc.), etc. They say those most often and most willing to over-extend themselves hurt the most; not because they don’t want to help, but because those you do fail to see that maybe, by helping, you can in the process help yourself, too.
This year I almost died, I almost fell in love again, I almost lived freely, I almost felt like I could help and change someone for the better –I, alone -but I’ve learned that almost changes nothing… Because after a few months of almost dying, my life didn’t seem as important as the day after I almost did. The true secret: it never felt important, even the day after; everything was still the same, only altered temporarily.
People move on. Not just lovers and great loves but friends and family, too... And by no means is it punishable, as everyone deserves to pursue their individual paths to happiness, but, for every person I help, a piece of my happiness goes with them.
For every one of my life’s milestones I’ve felt the most alone, even standing on a street corner with pieces of iron, plastic, and broken glass. I, not once, felt comforted or forgiven for shattering the image(s) of a “perfect” little girl. On the other hand, I felt shame (even though the fault wasn’t mine), guilty, alone, emotionally abandoned, and betrayed. I couldn’t cry. I never fully cried. I only learned to sweep these traumas under the rug to avoid dealing with them. If they weren’t acknowledged, then they never existed… which can, in many ways, explain why it’s so hard for me to remember anything these days.
Almost changes nothing. It didn’t change me for the better… and if it didn’t change me, you can understand how petty it was for me to think it’d change anyone else. I always believed that the person you are today is the best version of you because you’re supposed to be filled with more wisdom and knowledge, but getting to know who I am now, makes me all the more unsure of this notion. Sometimes I think we’re only remnants of the good, simple people we used to be.
This smile I wear reminds me of the devil, only I, unlike her, choose not to terrorize the innocents; I only fool them into believing I’m fine. I only choose to understand that almost changes nothing.
***To this day, I've never understood why I was spared… And until I do, in the back of my mind I’ll always think that maybe, just maybe, God got it wrong.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Change
You wake up one day and realize that your life, as is, is nothing of what you thought it would be once upon a time –a life on its way to being shared, a journey defined, a start to a personalized happily ever after… Your now is… well, nothing.
I, for one, know I’m living on auto-pilot, but, only because it’s easy for me to. The monotonous auto-pilot lets me not feel those things I’ve been avoiding and choose to ignore (although they’re always in the back of my head). Some things are better just left as they are, because talking about it + feeling about it change nothing. But ‘til this day, I’m still feeling everyday. Isolating myself has made it easier for me to not deal altogether, and I’ve been fine with it… until now.
Judging I’ve stopped altogether because I’ve learned that I’m no one to. I’ve learned to stop expecting from others because if you never expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed. Accept people as they are, no matter how ignorant or different they are. People’s experiences mold them to who they are and I’m no one to judge how they process the things that happen to them. God knows I’ve done many stupid things I know I’ve been judged for, both silently and out-loud -things people only understand superficially, from the outside- and I resent all who have. For this reason I’ve opted to keep many things to myself and myself only. I’ve found more peace in being a recluse than I ever did when I talked all the time to the people I trust[ed]. They’re all judges, too.
I’ve learned my disappointment stems from self-expectations of grandeur. Everything at 18 seemed like it’d be on its way at 22/23… you’d have it together by 25, at least, and the truth is we’re almost there and we’re still where we started –feeling empty + lost, fulfilled in some areas and empty in others. The truth’s truth is, it’s vain to think we’ll ever be completely happy, because we’ll always focus our energies on what we don’t have and wish we had rather than the greatness we do have.
Although my experiences have been limited, I think that, from them, I’ve learned more than those who’ve experienced too much. I’ve been hardened very early on in my life. Maybe it’s because I feel too much. Maybe it’s because it’s all in my head. But I think, that for a little while, I have the right to feel nothing at all.
I, for one, know I’m living on auto-pilot, but, only because it’s easy for me to. The monotonous auto-pilot lets me not feel those things I’ve been avoiding and choose to ignore (although they’re always in the back of my head). Some things are better just left as they are, because talking about it + feeling about it change nothing. But ‘til this day, I’m still feeling everyday. Isolating myself has made it easier for me to not deal altogether, and I’ve been fine with it… until now.
Judging I’ve stopped altogether because I’ve learned that I’m no one to. I’ve learned to stop expecting from others because if you never expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed. Accept people as they are, no matter how ignorant or different they are. People’s experiences mold them to who they are and I’m no one to judge how they process the things that happen to them. God knows I’ve done many stupid things I know I’ve been judged for, both silently and out-loud -things people only understand superficially, from the outside- and I resent all who have. For this reason I’ve opted to keep many things to myself and myself only. I’ve found more peace in being a recluse than I ever did when I talked all the time to the people I trust[ed]. They’re all judges, too.
I’ve learned my disappointment stems from self-expectations of grandeur. Everything at 18 seemed like it’d be on its way at 22/23… you’d have it together by 25, at least, and the truth is we’re almost there and we’re still where we started –feeling empty + lost, fulfilled in some areas and empty in others. The truth’s truth is, it’s vain to think we’ll ever be completely happy, because we’ll always focus our energies on what we don’t have and wish we had rather than the greatness we do have.
Although my experiences have been limited, I think that, from them, I’ve learned more than those who’ve experienced too much. I’ve been hardened very early on in my life. Maybe it’s because I feel too much. Maybe it’s because it’s all in my head. But I think, that for a little while, I have the right to feel nothing at all.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Recluse
Silence holds my hand at night and its friendship makes me inconsolable. The reasons why I’ve become a hermit, lately, were undefined –I blamed financials mostly, but sinking my teeth into the issue, I’m not so sure it is anymore.
The details? I’m still sorting and dealing with privately. It’s being okay with staying home all of the time that gets on my nerves mostly. Unfortunately, no one can help me but myself.
I prayed last night (which for the most part feels hypocritical, considering my flip-flop nature of believing and disbelieving in God). I did something I never do; I, in vain, asked for help. I say “in vain” because I don’t think anyone was listening.
Life has a way of playing itself out in just the perfect way it’s meant to... and it’s in this one detail I find my solace in.
The details? I’m still sorting and dealing with privately. It’s being okay with staying home all of the time that gets on my nerves mostly. Unfortunately, no one can help me but myself.
I prayed last night (which for the most part feels hypocritical, considering my flip-flop nature of believing and disbelieving in God). I did something I never do; I, in vain, asked for help. I say “in vain” because I don’t think anyone was listening.
Life has a way of playing itself out in just the perfect way it’s meant to... and it’s in this one detail I find my solace in.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Diners
In a moment of lucid thinking, I took notes of both random and sporadic words that came to mind. Trying to link them together should eventually make sense, considering I have no idea where I was going with all of the nonsense…
Anyhow, I came to the simile that life is like a diner. Yup, I said it… just a regular, run-of-the-mill diner. Think about it… Everything, like business, happens in cycles... including when it comes to people and their natural behavior.
You have new faces that come in and test the waters. Some like what you’re dishing while others never come back again. Some will come back often and then grow tired of the same “old” thing, eventually retiring altogether or only for a little while.
You have the repeat offenders that come in, eat all they can, skip out on the tab, and then think it’s okay to come back again… and again.
And lastly, you have your good, dependable regulars that, come hell or high water, keep your business alive.
Many times, in my short life, I compared life to being a revolving door to reflect how people come in and out at any given moment, but it never identified those who have always been there and those that stay, even after vacation. That’s why I thought it best to compare life to a business; in this case, a diner. Diners, overall, just seem more quaint, personal, and personable, even.
But regardless of your association with others, a piece of you expects that tiny piece of appreciation in return –that thank you, that hug, that detail that means you mean something. Call it a sense of individual glorification, or whatever you like, but a sense of our meaning and self-worth derives from what good others see in us. I’ve concluded that that’s why it drives us mad when others fail to see our greatness or potential for it.
Lately, the peace I’ve found, within myself, I’ve welcomed with open arms, but every so often I miss the chaos, at least the feeling of something greater, than myself, out there. Sometimes, some things just don’t feel right; even the great things don’t feel right, and that feeling, lately, is what disturbs me most.
Anyhow, I came to the simile that life is like a diner. Yup, I said it… just a regular, run-of-the-mill diner. Think about it… Everything, like business, happens in cycles... including when it comes to people and their natural behavior.
You have new faces that come in and test the waters. Some like what you’re dishing while others never come back again. Some will come back often and then grow tired of the same “old” thing, eventually retiring altogether or only for a little while.
You have the repeat offenders that come in, eat all they can, skip out on the tab, and then think it’s okay to come back again… and again.
And lastly, you have your good, dependable regulars that, come hell or high water, keep your business alive.
Many times, in my short life, I compared life to being a revolving door to reflect how people come in and out at any given moment, but it never identified those who have always been there and those that stay, even after vacation. That’s why I thought it best to compare life to a business; in this case, a diner. Diners, overall, just seem more quaint, personal, and personable, even.
But regardless of your association with others, a piece of you expects that tiny piece of appreciation in return –that thank you, that hug, that detail that means you mean something. Call it a sense of individual glorification, or whatever you like, but a sense of our meaning and self-worth derives from what good others see in us. I’ve concluded that that’s why it drives us mad when others fail to see our greatness or potential for it.
Lately, the peace I’ve found, within myself, I’ve welcomed with open arms, but every so often I miss the chaos, at least the feeling of something greater, than myself, out there. Sometimes, some things just don’t feel right; even the great things don’t feel right, and that feeling, lately, is what disturbs me most.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Welcome
Given a flair for the dramatic, I thought I'd start one of these things... Not so much because I wanted to but because it helps the work-related boredom on those slow days. Go figure.
So, for the first time, I'll keep it simple. I'm 22, I'm female, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Not assuming that I should have it all figured out by now, but still, the brain keeps trucking and requesting an answer I just don't have.
I'd try and charm you with my wits, but the truth is, I'm just in one of those moods. Ugh. And it's only Monday.
So, I'm guessing the question is, "What can I expect from this thing?" And the all-honest answer is that I have absolutely no clue. Maybe a rant, maybe something funny, maybe something informational, maybe a little gossip, and if you're lucky -poetry... But really, there's no telling where my mind will blow because maybe, just maybe, you might get nothing.
Welcome.
So, for the first time, I'll keep it simple. I'm 22, I'm female, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Not assuming that I should have it all figured out by now, but still, the brain keeps trucking and requesting an answer I just don't have.
I'd try and charm you with my wits, but the truth is, I'm just in one of those moods. Ugh. And it's only Monday.
So, I'm guessing the question is, "What can I expect from this thing?" And the all-honest answer is that I have absolutely no clue. Maybe a rant, maybe something funny, maybe something informational, maybe a little gossip, and if you're lucky -poetry... But really, there's no telling where my mind will blow because maybe, just maybe, you might get nothing.
Welcome.
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