Stuck In A Rut

The more I play a spectator in my life's bleachers, the more time I allow for things to come into perspective and play themselves out as they naturally should. I've spent a lot of my time in silence these past few years - allowing people, circumstances, events, and opportunities, alike, pass me by whilst never phased for their lack of or enriched importance.

I've vacationed so long in nonchalance, that even, now, my apathy feels like the world's weight on my shoulders. It's a plagueing grogginess, like waking up from a coma, where, both, my body and mind are screaming, "Enough! It's time to feel. It's time to wake up. It's time to regain control and direction of your life." It's, now, trying to find my life's direction that bears the greatest weight, though; I used to be clear regarding what the end goal was and, now, I'm clueless.

I don't know a thing - not my limits, wants, or tolerance threshold. I don't understand people, the harm they do to others and inflict on themselves, nor why I care as much as I do when I understand they'll do only what they want and think is best for themselves without regarding others. I don't understand myself and the fact I struggle to muster the energy to claw my way out of the professional rut I'm rotting away in. The one thing I do know is that my apathy project was successful - so successful, in fact, that trying to feel anything more than nothing and/or anger is a chore nowadays.

I'm tired of keeping it together and being an anchor. I'm tried of acting and feeling older than I am; sometimes I just yearn for the lack of self-control and no post-experience remorse that so many people my age are blessed with. Continuously trying to do the right thing is like a wound left open and exposed to the germs in your environment - you get taken advantage of and for granted by the parasites of infection; in this case the undeserving.

I can't. I don't understand how some can squander the most important rights and opportunities for things subpar to the mere word. I don't understand the logic behind the illogic and, maybe I'm not meant to.

Everyday I ask myself for strength, patience, the ability to be just, and to forgive in order to free myself from the hate and disgust living in my heart. In my quiestest of moments I send blessings to those hurting and, especially, those who cause the hurt for they are the one's who require the most help; they're the one's on the lengthiest road of recovery because they don't know anything beyond the awful they are. They have the self-perception of martyrs, dying for the greater good of themselves and living for just the same; they only serve to perpetuate feeding the "awful" seed.

Forgive me but, lately, I only see that flaw / fault - that self-serving, selfish trait and thinking for (1). What disregard. What display of no personal growth what-so-ever. What pity I feel for the blind who cannot see what they are when they look in the mirror. I guess, to that degree, I am the lucky one.