If it’s anything I’ve learned it’s that it never takes a lot of time to flip your world upside down. All it ever takes is the fraction of a second in any day for your life’s biggest surprise’s introduction. In that moment, everything you’ve ever known changes.
With every unexpected moment – of happiness, despondence, absolute fury, shock, etc. - a layer is added to harden the soul’s shell and spirit. By the end of it all you’re a person left with the wrinkles of time etched on your being as proof that you’ve weathered all, including the most difficult of times; the deeper the wrinkles, the harder trials conquered and lessons learned. What gift to live to see them and ensure each earned was not in vain; what honor to wear your life’s-earned badges on your face for all to see.
Some consider it unhealthy, but I’ve learned to never be sure of anything because the second you are, you’ll be knocked on your heels in such a fashion you’ll question why you were ever so confident in your sureness to being with; it’s another way for the universe to exercise her power in ensuring your humility to her.
Always, hope for the best. Expect nothing.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Mother's Day
I never thought I’d be a bubbling, emotional mess yesterday, Mother’s Day, but truth be told I thought myself wrong.
With all the emotional stresses and everything that’s been going on, highlighted with a three-hour visit to the fast track ER for additional blood work; sore arms from blood work and / or shots every (3) days from clockwork doctors’ visits (for almost (3) weeks now); discovery of a 3-4 lb weight gain due to prescribed immobility until further notice; and menstrual cramps and intense bleeding, it’s safe to say I finally allowed myself to be swallowed by mourning considering the day’s lingering and overbearing unnatural irony – cheering on a day celebrating mothers and motherhood for the death of an unborn child to save my compromised fallopian tube. I, finally, allowed myself to succumb to my feelings of guilt and sadness for what never was and could’ve been.
Sometimes I feel the overwhelming need to just love with such smothering fervor it’s all-consuming and, for once, I thought I had my chance – to be engulfed by the unadulterated power of loving something, whole-heartedly, free of any baggage or tainted color. But, here I am, left with the hidden blessing and resentment of the imagined ideology that never happened. I sit with the same want, need, and wish of surrender for the freeing power of loving unconditionally – of obliging and allowing myself to love unconditionally.
Life’s too short to be anything but happy, but why does it feel like every day is an internal struggle and fight against the world to be it and keep it that way? It’s like the world’s general predisposition is to keep you in your place - a place of humility. “You are powerless over what happens so just be grateful, in its simplest form, that I’ve allowed and given you the permission to continue living. Period.” What a cocky s.o.b. Love (loving, to love, to be loved) – is the greatest gift / reward we can reap and why, I believe, the world works so avidly in keeping us in our place – of worship, of lambs to a God in hopes and faith for better. I’ve learned life’s constant principal is to never take anything for granted because, as likely as the world gives, it can take everything away with the swift hand of lesson and punishment. Everything is fleeting and unsecure as the only guarantee we’re guaranteed is “the passing of…” – ours , everything, and everyone else’s. Our expiration is inevitably secure – its date the only secret held over our heads.
I can vouch in saying my life has been a journey, thus far, of trying to live by example, by the book of right, while I see others squander and meander through theirs free of qualms, logic, and moral regard. I’ve sat back and watched their mistakes and transgressions met with menial slaps on the back of their hands, no matter how severe, and, yet, my accidental wrongs have punished me into a state of self-martyrdom; the logic and inconsistency between the discrepancies are discrepant and I’ve, superficially, concluded that it’s because they’re dumb and unable to take with them whatever truism they should be learning. I know, “I embody the characteristic of the egotistic, [I know, I’m] so fuckin’ gifted…”
I’m still trying to wrap my head around my life’s educational plan and, on most days, I do feel like it’s me against the world trying to trump my evolutionary track into something greater than myself right now. All I do know is that I’ll continue to fight, appreciate with humbled gratitude, grow, and pursue fulfilling all of my unfulfilled needs.
I just want to be able to look back on my life, like Diane Von Furstenberg, and think, “I did not know what I wanted to do but I knew the woman I wanted to be.”
With all the emotional stresses and everything that’s been going on, highlighted with a three-hour visit to the fast track ER for additional blood work; sore arms from blood work and / or shots every (3) days from clockwork doctors’ visits (for almost (3) weeks now); discovery of a 3-4 lb weight gain due to prescribed immobility until further notice; and menstrual cramps and intense bleeding, it’s safe to say I finally allowed myself to be swallowed by mourning considering the day’s lingering and overbearing unnatural irony – cheering on a day celebrating mothers and motherhood for the death of an unborn child to save my compromised fallopian tube. I, finally, allowed myself to succumb to my feelings of guilt and sadness for what never was and could’ve been.
Sometimes I feel the overwhelming need to just love with such smothering fervor it’s all-consuming and, for once, I thought I had my chance – to be engulfed by the unadulterated power of loving something, whole-heartedly, free of any baggage or tainted color. But, here I am, left with the hidden blessing and resentment of the imagined ideology that never happened. I sit with the same want, need, and wish of surrender for the freeing power of loving unconditionally – of obliging and allowing myself to love unconditionally.
Life’s too short to be anything but happy, but why does it feel like every day is an internal struggle and fight against the world to be it and keep it that way? It’s like the world’s general predisposition is to keep you in your place - a place of humility. “You are powerless over what happens so just be grateful, in its simplest form, that I’ve allowed and given you the permission to continue living. Period.” What a cocky s.o.b. Love (loving, to love, to be loved) – is the greatest gift / reward we can reap and why, I believe, the world works so avidly in keeping us in our place – of worship, of lambs to a God in hopes and faith for better. I’ve learned life’s constant principal is to never take anything for granted because, as likely as the world gives, it can take everything away with the swift hand of lesson and punishment. Everything is fleeting and unsecure as the only guarantee we’re guaranteed is “the passing of…” – ours , everything, and everyone else’s. Our expiration is inevitably secure – its date the only secret held over our heads.
I can vouch in saying my life has been a journey, thus far, of trying to live by example, by the book of right, while I see others squander and meander through theirs free of qualms, logic, and moral regard. I’ve sat back and watched their mistakes and transgressions met with menial slaps on the back of their hands, no matter how severe, and, yet, my accidental wrongs have punished me into a state of self-martyrdom; the logic and inconsistency between the discrepancies are discrepant and I’ve, superficially, concluded that it’s because they’re dumb and unable to take with them whatever truism they should be learning. I know, “I embody the characteristic of the egotistic, [I know, I’m] so fuckin’ gifted…”
I’m still trying to wrap my head around my life’s educational plan and, on most days, I do feel like it’s me against the world trying to trump my evolutionary track into something greater than myself right now. All I do know is that I’ll continue to fight, appreciate with humbled gratitude, grow, and pursue fulfilling all of my unfulfilled needs.
I just want to be able to look back on my life, like Diane Von Furstenberg, and think, “I did not know what I wanted to do but I knew the woman I wanted to be.”
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Blessings
There’s a spring in my step this morning and I’m so excited I think I could pee my pants if I tried really, really hard… The most amazing part is that there’s no specific reason why, only that I’m consumed by this overwhelming feeling that everything is going to work out and be OK. What a relief.
To say that my life has been free of excitement is an understatement – I received a promotion and raise, unknowingly suffered a miscarriage, am undergoing treatment to treat said-miscarried-ectopic-pregnancy, preparing for a deposition for my car accident almost (5) years ago, gaining confidence in my amorous relationship, and slowly finding the direction I was seeking for my career. All of these revelations in (7) days’ time…
Considering the rollercoaster I’m on, I’m pretty positive. Patience and hard work have made way for the promotion I’d been waiting for for over a year. With a raise came the title to use as a stepping stone in leveraging my career in the right direction. And with the subsequent events that followed came my realization into adulthood.
Last Tuesday while driving to work, I toppled over in such agonizing abdominal pain that I had to pull over into a vacant parking lot and call my parents and Mike to my rescue. Once recuperating in the comfort of my parents’ bed, I turned to the internet for a quick search yielding results asserting my deductions; what I’d experienced was a severe case of dysmenorrhea - all of the symptoms fit. I kept Thursday’s appointment with my doctor quite sure of what all test results would show, only to come find out Friday that the blood work tested positive for the one condition furthest from my mind and being altogether – pregnancy.
The shock was dumbfounding, petrifying, and paralyzing. How? I’d been on birth control, practiced safe sex, etc. But then, knowing what I knew now versus what I thought I’d known (3) days prior, the symptoms I’d experienced were very in-line with what most expectant mothers fear most – miscarriage. The question, now, burned in my brain and heart – Was it? The thought of pregnancy terrified me at first but, as the minutes ticked, not knowing became the more anxious feat and that transitional thought is what surprised me most – realizing I could be ready if the situation was afoot. For the first time in my life I’d been snapped awake by reality.
Monday came at its glacial pace and so began my first of journeys to the doctor. A silently dark sonogram with high hormone levels deduced an ectopic pregnancy but, wanting to be sure, additional blood was drawn and appointment made for a second opinion on Tuesday. Tuesday rolled in and another ominous sonogram with blood results showing slightly higher hormone levels confirmed the original diagnosis – ectopic pregnancy. Meeting a specific set of criteria, I qualified for and proceeded with a special, effective, and non-surgical treatment – methotrexate (or mild dose of chemotherapy) shots.
And so, here I am – Wednesday – brought to attention by life with a new take on life. Openly, I’m eager to get the nuances attached to this ride behind me as I’m explicitly aware I need to use more caution on all fronts. I’m grateful I kept my appointments and that this experience has worked itself out the way that it has. I mean, it’s been a lot to handle / deal with, but I’m much more knowledgeable about my body and realize how lucky I really am.
I feel much more confident in myself and my relationships because of this experience; my lost perspective fell into place by life’s catapult of surprising experiences. By no means am I 100%, as I’m still managing mild pains and have another forthcoming round of mild chemo this Saturday with follow-ups next Tuesday, but I’ve been humbled by the very sobering fact I’ll be something much bigger than myself in the future – someone’s vessel and mother.
In a weird way, I’m appreciative for the trauma because, without it, I don’t think I’d have the push to get my life in order for the direction I’d like for it to go in. Very seldom have I realized the extent of the many blessings and love in my life but today my heart swells for its requited love, thankfulness, and gratitude.
To say that my life has been free of excitement is an understatement – I received a promotion and raise, unknowingly suffered a miscarriage, am undergoing treatment to treat said-miscarried-ectopic-pregnancy, preparing for a deposition for my car accident almost (5) years ago, gaining confidence in my amorous relationship, and slowly finding the direction I was seeking for my career. All of these revelations in (7) days’ time…
Considering the rollercoaster I’m on, I’m pretty positive. Patience and hard work have made way for the promotion I’d been waiting for for over a year. With a raise came the title to use as a stepping stone in leveraging my career in the right direction. And with the subsequent events that followed came my realization into adulthood.
Last Tuesday while driving to work, I toppled over in such agonizing abdominal pain that I had to pull over into a vacant parking lot and call my parents and Mike to my rescue. Once recuperating in the comfort of my parents’ bed, I turned to the internet for a quick search yielding results asserting my deductions; what I’d experienced was a severe case of dysmenorrhea - all of the symptoms fit. I kept Thursday’s appointment with my doctor quite sure of what all test results would show, only to come find out Friday that the blood work tested positive for the one condition furthest from my mind and being altogether – pregnancy.
The shock was dumbfounding, petrifying, and paralyzing. How? I’d been on birth control, practiced safe sex, etc. But then, knowing what I knew now versus what I thought I’d known (3) days prior, the symptoms I’d experienced were very in-line with what most expectant mothers fear most – miscarriage. The question, now, burned in my brain and heart – Was it? The thought of pregnancy terrified me at first but, as the minutes ticked, not knowing became the more anxious feat and that transitional thought is what surprised me most – realizing I could be ready if the situation was afoot. For the first time in my life I’d been snapped awake by reality.
Monday came at its glacial pace and so began my first of journeys to the doctor. A silently dark sonogram with high hormone levels deduced an ectopic pregnancy but, wanting to be sure, additional blood was drawn and appointment made for a second opinion on Tuesday. Tuesday rolled in and another ominous sonogram with blood results showing slightly higher hormone levels confirmed the original diagnosis – ectopic pregnancy. Meeting a specific set of criteria, I qualified for and proceeded with a special, effective, and non-surgical treatment – methotrexate (or mild dose of chemotherapy) shots.
And so, here I am – Wednesday – brought to attention by life with a new take on life. Openly, I’m eager to get the nuances attached to this ride behind me as I’m explicitly aware I need to use more caution on all fronts. I’m grateful I kept my appointments and that this experience has worked itself out the way that it has. I mean, it’s been a lot to handle / deal with, but I’m much more knowledgeable about my body and realize how lucky I really am.
- I’ve fallen within a small percentage given the opportunity to handle an ectopic pregnancy without surgery; this all could’ve been a lot worse had I kept on my merry, oblivious way to what was going on.
- I, now, know I AM capable of getting pregnant without IVF (a fear I always had).
- I, now, know that when I do decide to have a child that it’ll be something I have to plan to ensure things go as smoothly as possible and am in-tune with everything going on in my body.
- I, now, realize to the extent to which I’m loved and love in return.
I feel much more confident in myself and my relationships because of this experience; my lost perspective fell into place by life’s catapult of surprising experiences. By no means am I 100%, as I’m still managing mild pains and have another forthcoming round of mild chemo this Saturday with follow-ups next Tuesday, but I’ve been humbled by the very sobering fact I’ll be something much bigger than myself in the future – someone’s vessel and mother.
In a weird way, I’m appreciative for the trauma because, without it, I don’t think I’d have the push to get my life in order for the direction I’d like for it to go in. Very seldom have I realized the extent of the many blessings and love in my life but today my heart swells for its requited love, thankfulness, and gratitude.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)