There comes a day over time, after you've allowed a certain set of emotions boil up just beneath the surface, where it feels like the slightest bit of anything will set you off. Several minor bursts let themselves out, whether through the caustic tone laced in your every word or biting responses filled with overbearing warning others to just back the fuck off, that bring back the familiar euphoria associated with a rage-filled episode. Now, it's been my priority keeping my temper in check these days but, I can see her dancing at the edges of my patience and flirting by its line eagerly waiting for the day I grant her the permission to run free and show her face again.
Every day is a work in progress. It is for everyone but my awareness of my "working" on mine is more heightened than ever. Sometimes it feels like everything is just too much work - thinking, feeling, living... I wish I could just be one of those people content to just be; one of those people who'll learn what it is to feel true happiness void of the adjoining fear of losing it because no one is lucky to be that lucky. I fear I'll never learn to feel or know it in my own right, and I fear I'll be at the root of the reason why I never will.
I think I'm more self-aware because I'm surrounded by so many questions and the misery that type of inquisition and oblivion bring. Nothing is more frustrating than being unable to properly feel anything, rather, nothing is more frustrating than having to identify what you're feeling so that A. You know what word to tie to that feeling to and B. Then assess whether or not you'll allow yourself to actually feel it or sign it off as a nuance not worthy of your time and energy. If explaining it is an exhausting mouthful, can you, for one second, imagine yourself in my shoes and figure how it feels to live through it day in and day out?
I don't know when it happened, but something snapped in me along the way from my youth to now that hindered me to process information like I used to. Gifted and brilliant gave way to crazy and emotionally unpredictable. I sit to myself and think most days, "Who the fuck is sitting in this chair? What happened to the person that I used to know?" And I don't know where to find that answer. For me, that's the hardest part. I've always had an answer and / or reason for everything, and I've got nothing. Just something, not right.
