Change

You wake up one day and realize that your life, as is, is nothing of what you thought it would be once upon a time –a life on its way to being shared, a journey defined, a start to a personalized happily ever after… Your now is… well, nothing.

I, for one, know I’m living on auto-pilot, but, only because it’s easy for me to. The monotonous auto-pilot lets me not feel those things I’ve been avoiding and choose to ignore (although they’re always in the back of my head). Some things are better just left as they are, because talking about it + feeling about it change nothing. But ‘til this day, I’m still feeling everyday. Isolating myself has made it easier for me to not deal altogether, and I’ve been fine with it… until now.

Judging I’ve stopped altogether because I’ve learned that I’m no one to. I’ve learned to stop expecting from others because if you never expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed. Accept people as they are, no matter how ignorant or different they are. People’s experiences mold them to who they are and I’m no one to judge how they process the things that happen to them. God knows I’ve done many stupid things I know I’ve been judged for, both silently and out-loud -things people only understand superficially, from the outside- and I resent all who have. For this reason I’ve opted to keep many things to myself and myself only. I’ve found more peace in being a recluse than I ever did when I talked all the time to the people I trust[ed]. They’re all judges, too.

I’ve learned my disappointment stems from self-expectations of grandeur. Everything at 18 seemed like it’d be on its way at 22/23… you’d have it together by 25, at least, and the truth is we’re almost there and we’re still where we started –feeling empty + lost, fulfilled in some areas and empty in others. The truth’s truth is, it’s vain to think we’ll ever be completely happy, because we’ll always focus our energies on what we don’t have and wish we had rather than the greatness we do have.

Although my experiences have been limited, I think that, from them, I’ve learned more than those who’ve experienced too much. I’ve been hardened very early on in my life. Maybe it’s because I feel too much. Maybe it’s because it’s all in my head. But I think, that for a little while, I have the right to feel nothing at all.