It seems there is no end in sight for the hardships my family has had to endure. Every single moment of happiness has been overshadowed by misfortune and circumstance. Several times I’ve been asked to put my faith in a God who shows no mercy to his children but I don't have the heart.
We’ve usually experienced sadness followed by bouts of happiness and vice versa, but 2012 is proving to be the year giving way for everything that can go wrong to go wrong. News of: expecting followed by an ectopic diagnosis, cancer free followed by positive test results, expecting followed by a missing heartbeat… The lines between life and death have blurred; the chances of new beginnings ended before even beginning. My silver lining lies in the belief that things must, eventually, turn up – I mean, how much worst can they get before someone says, “That’s enough. They’ve suffered enough.”? My fear is much worst.
Luckily, our issues each resolved separately but as one subsides, it seems another rises maintaining a perpetual state of duress and feelings of attack and injustice.
I’ve weakened. I’ve been battered into a defeat so severe I’ve been emotionally, physically, and psychologically bludgeoned off of my hinges and torn from the seams keeping the pieces of me together. Throughout our lives we’ve been conditioned to fight through the tough times and depend on something to happen to bring in the absent happiness. For the first time in my life I’m learning that I need to make my own and be the master of it free of a catalyst; it’s my social responsibility to myself.
Having to come to grips with all the changes and strife in my midst has me feeling like I’ve lost my mind. I can’t multitask, I can’t process information the way I used to, I can’t remember – it’s like there are holes in my memory standing in the way of moving in any forward-like direction. It’s like I’m on autopilot performing functions free of thought, free of me. Feeling out of control of my life I lost the control within myself. My togetherness, which took a lifetime to build, broke apart in matter of weeks.
My, my how the mighty have fallen.
