Blessings

There’s a spring in my step this morning and I’m so excited I think I could pee my pants if I tried really, really hard… The most amazing part is that there’s no specific reason why, only that I’m consumed by this overwhelming feeling that everything is going to work out and be OK. What a relief.

To say that my life has been free of excitement is an understatement – I received a promotion and raise, unknowingly suffered a miscarriage, am undergoing treatment to treat said-miscarried-ectopic-pregnancy, preparing for a deposition for my car accident almost (5) years ago, gaining confidence in my amorous relationship, and slowly finding the direction I was seeking for my career. All of these revelations in (7) days’ time…

Considering the rollercoaster I’m on, I’m pretty positive. Patience and hard work have made way for the promotion I’d been waiting for for over a year. With a raise came the title to use as a stepping stone in leveraging my career in the right direction. And with the subsequent events that followed came my realization into adulthood.

Last Tuesday while driving to work, I toppled over in such agonizing abdominal pain that I had to pull over into a vacant parking lot and call my parents and Mike to my rescue. Once recuperating in the comfort of my parents’ bed, I turned to the internet for a quick search yielding results asserting my deductions; what I’d experienced was a severe case of dysmenorrhea - all of the symptoms fit. I kept Thursday’s appointment with my doctor quite sure of what all test results would show, only to come find out Friday that the blood work tested positive for the one condition furthest from my mind and being altogether – pregnancy.

The shock was dumbfounding, petrifying, and paralyzing. How? I’d been on birth control, practiced safe sex, etc. But then, knowing what I knew now versus what I thought I’d known (3) days prior, the symptoms I’d experienced were very in-line with what most expectant mothers fear most – miscarriage. The question, now, burned in my brain and heart – Was it? The thought of pregnancy terrified me at first but, as the minutes ticked, not knowing became the more anxious feat and that transitional thought is what surprised me most – realizing I could be ready if the situation was afoot. For the first time in my life I’d been snapped awake by reality.

Monday came at its glacial pace and so began my first of journeys to the doctor. A silently dark sonogram with high hormone levels deduced an ectopic pregnancy but, wanting to be sure, additional blood was drawn and appointment made for a second opinion on Tuesday. Tuesday rolled in and another ominous sonogram with blood results showing slightly higher hormone levels confirmed the original diagnosis – ectopic pregnancy. Meeting a specific set of criteria, I qualified for and proceeded with a special, effective, and non-surgical treatment – methotrexate (or mild dose of chemotherapy) shots.

And so, here I am – Wednesday – brought to attention by life with a new take on life. Openly, I’m eager to get the nuances attached to this ride behind me as I’m explicitly aware I need to use more caution on all fronts. I’m grateful I kept my appointments and that this experience has worked itself out the way that it has. I mean, it’s been a lot to handle / deal with, but I’m much more knowledgeable about my body and realize how lucky I really am. 

1. I’ve fallen within a small percentage given the opportunity to handle an ectopic pregnancy without surgery; this all could’ve been a lot worse had I kept on my merry, oblivious way to what was going on.
2. I, now, know I AM capable of getting pregnant without IVF (a fear I always had).
3. I, now, know that when I do decide to have a child that it’ll be something I have to plan to ensure things go as smoothly as possible and am in-tune with everything going on in my body.
4. I, now, realize to the extent to which I’m loved and love in return.  

It’s been a scary, exhausting, and an emotionally dominating time in my life but I feel I’ve aged in the past (5) days since learning what I’ve learned. For the first time in my life I’ve had to grasp the idea and fact that I am an adult and have to be one, considering I may have had someone completely depend on me. I’d lie if I said I wasn’t sad when the news of non-viability was officiated, but somehow I knew it’d be what it was. I feel much more not like myself after this whole ordeal; much more less like a kid. Britney’s “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” shifted to the other end of the spectrum with Friday’s call and I think it’s something that needed to happen for me.

I feel much more confident in myself and my relationships because of this experience; my lost perspective fell into place by life’s catapult of surprising experiences. By no means am I 100%, as I’m still managing mild pains and have another forthcoming round of mild chemo this Saturday with follow-ups next Tuesday, but I’ve been humbled by the very sobering fact I’ll be something much bigger than myself in the future – someone’s vessel and mother.

In a weird way, I’m appreciative for the trauma because, without it, I don’t think I’d have the push to get my life in order for the direction I’d like for it to go in. Very seldom have I realized the extent of the many blessings and love in my life but today my heart swells for its requited love, thankfulness, and gratitude.