Mother's Day

I never thought I’d be a bubbling, emotional mess yesterday, Mother’s Day, but truth be told I thought myself wrong.

With all the emotional stresses and everything that’s been going on, highlighted with a three-hour visit to the fast track ER for additional blood work; sore arms from blood work and / or shots every (3) days from clockwork doctors’ visits (for almost (3) weeks now); discovery of a 3-4 lb weight gain due to prescribed immobility until further notice; and menstrual cramps and intense bleeding, it’s safe to say I finally allowed myself to be swallowed by mourning considering the day’s lingering and overbearing unnatural irony – cheering on a day celebrating mothers and motherhood for the death of an unborn child to save my compromised fallopian tube. I, finally, allowed myself to succumb to my feelings of guilt and sadness for what never was and could’ve been.

Sometimes I feel the overwhelming need to just love with such smothering fervor it’s all-consuming and, for once, I thought I had my chance – to be engulfed by the unadulterated power of loving something, whole-heartedly, free of any baggage or tainted color. But, here I am, left with the hidden blessing and resentment of the imagined ideology that never happened. I sit with the same want, need, and wish of surrender for the freeing power of loving unconditionally – of obliging and allowing myself to love unconditionally.

Life’s too short to be anything but happy, but why does it feel like every day is an internal struggle and fight against the world to be it and keep it that way? It’s like the world’s general predisposition is to keep you in your place - a place of humility. “You are powerless over what happens so just be grateful, in its simplest form, that I’ve allowed and given you the permission to continue living. Period.” What a cocky s.o.b. Love (loving, to love, to be loved) – is the greatest gift / reward we can reap and why, I believe, the world works so avidly in keeping us in our place – of worship, of lambs to a God in hopes and faith for better. I’ve learned life’s constant principal is to never take anything for granted because, as likely as the world gives, it can take everything away with the swift hand of lesson and punishment. Everything is fleeting and unsecure as the only guarantee we’re guaranteed is “the passing of…” – ours , everything, and everyone else’s. Our expiration is inevitably secure – its date the only secret held over our heads.

I can vouch in saying my life has been a journey, thus far, of trying to live by example, by the book of right, while I see others squander and meander through theirs free of qualms, logic, and moral regard. I’ve sat back and watched their mistakes and transgressions met with menial slaps on the back of their hands, no matter how severe, and, yet, my accidental wrongs have punished me into a state of self-martyrdom; the logic and inconsistency between the discrepancies are discrepant and I’ve, superficially, concluded that it’s because they’re dumb and unable to take with them whatever truism they should be learning. I know, “I embody the characteristic of the egotistic, [I know, I’m] so fuckin’ gifted…”

I’m still trying to wrap my head around my life’s educational plan and, on most days, I do feel like it’s me against the world trying to trump my evolutionary track into something greater than myself right now. All I do know is that I’ll continue to fight, appreciate with humbled gratitude, grow, and pursue fulfilling all of my unfulfilled needs.

I just want to be able to look back on my life, like Diane Von Furstenberg, and think, “I did not know what I wanted to do but I knew the woman I wanted to be.”